Surgery went well

Thank you all for you prayers. Surgery went well. In a nutshell, Dr. Hilgers did a laparoscopy and found that, indeed, the ovaries were polycystic (3 times their normal size), that there was some endometriosis, there was an adhesion of the left fallopian tube to the left ovary and
there were signs of chronic uterine infection. He got some great pictures and it was amazing to see them when we met the next day. (One of the pictures came out so well that he thinks he'll use it in a future presentation. Sort of cool that my innerds might make a presentation, sort of sad that they are "textbook" enough in a bad way to do so.)

Anyway, following the lap, he then did a bilateral ovarian wedge resection, and got rid of the endometriosis and the adhesion and the uterine "blisters"...all using robotic assist (Da Vinci). The entire surgery took about four hours and I have six inscisions to show for it as well as feeling like someone repeatedly punched me in the gut. Going into surgery I hadn't been too sure how I felt about having the surgery done via robotic assist, but in the end it came down to me completely trusting Dr. Higlers. If I understand correctly, I was only the third patient Dr. Hilgers has done surgery on with Da Vinci...but he was VERY pleased with the results. He was giddy like a little boy with a new toy at what he was able to accomplish. He feels that all went well and that we got some good answers and results to issues that have been causing me pain and have been, at least in part, the source of our infertility.

The best part of Da Vinci for me, is that my recovery time will be much shorter than the wedge in 2009. Instead of 4-6 weeks, I could be back up and running in 2-3 weeks. After surgery, I spent the night in the hopsital and was then released the following morning. Since then I have been recovering at the Homewood Suites with Dave, the Little Man and my parents. Things are going well, but recovery still is taking its time. Perhaps the hardest part for me right now is not the physical pain, but the emotional pain at seeing my Little Man so upset. All he wants is for me to hold him, to pick him up, to hug him...and I can't. He just doesn't understand. We have figured out a way that he can be put on my lap for some snuggles, but it's still not the same. He toddles up to me and puts his arms up for a hug, and I can't pick him up. We have to wait for someone to bring him to me and then if he wiggles too much (or kicks my stomach like he did earlier) he has to be taken away and of course this causes more crying.

So I guess, at this point, my biggest prayer request is for my Little Man, the God will comfort him and help him to understand that Mommy still loves him and isn't trying to be distant. Also, for my hubby and parents that they would be given the strength, grace and patience to continue attending to me, and Little Man and still have their wits about them. I know it's not easy.

Thank you to the many people have have posted, texted and called. We greatly appreciate your help.

God bless you,
Suzy

Out of Surgery

Hi everyone, this is the husband speaking...

My wife is out of surgery......and all appears well.

I met briefly with Dr. Hilgers following the surgery and his reassuring smile as he entered the waiting room was very welcome. He indicated the following:

- Everything was able to be done robotically (via Da Vinci: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Da_Vinci_Surgical_System)

- Her ovaries had been poly cystic (again). He performed a wedge-resection on both ovaries to repair this.

- She had an adhesion of her left fallopian tube to her left ovary (presumably from the previous surgery). For those who don't know what that means, basically it means that the fallopian tube had adhered to her ovary. In surgery, Dr. Hilgers was able to remove the adhesion and correct the problem.

- Unlike last surgery, Suzy's fallopian tubes were not blocked (this is a good thing).

- Dr. Hilgers did not mention seeing any endometriosis either (also a good thing). Though, to be honest, I forgot to ask about it. However, I have every confidence he would have mentioned it if they had needed to remove any endometriosis.

She's currently in recovery and I won't be able to see her for another 2 hours or so. Because everything was able to be done Da Vinci, she should be released tomorrow. Most people who have operations via Da Vinci are released same-day, but because Hilgers has done so few robotically, they want to monitor her a little longer than normal. But, if all is well (and there's no reason to believe it won't be) tonight and tomorrow, she'll be released tomorrow morning. Recovery time is generally reduced, but we'll not worry about recovery until she says she's recovered.

Thank you for your prayers and please keep them coming!

A long overdue update - surgery today

Well, again...it's been too long.

What started out as me taking a break from blogging so as not to focus on the cross of infertility in my life, turned out to be a break so long that I felt to far behind to "catch up" and start writing again. But tomorrow (today, actually, as it's so late) is a big day and as I promised friends and family that I would update here...I figure I'd better throw in at least a little update.

First...the news of the day....today I am headed to Creighton University Medical Center for surgery with Dr. Hilgers. Please keep us both in your prayers. We are doing a laparoscopy first and then a possible ovarian wedge resection, and anything else like cleaning out fallopian tubes, removing the endometriosis, getting ride of adheasions, scar tissues, etc. This is pretty much the same thing that I had done back July 2009, however ultrasounds and bloodtests are showing that my ovaries are again polycystic (those darned suckers).

So anyway, I find myself sitting in Omaha, looking forward to surgery tomorrow. Just pray that my husband has the grace and strength to single-parent our son for the next weeks during my recovery.

Yes, you read correctly...our son.

For those of you who know me only through blogging, I apologize that this is going to come out of left field possibly. But yes, we are in the process of adopting our wonderful Little Man. Long story short, in January I finally gave in to the Lord and told Him that, yes, I would answer His call on my heart to be a foster parent (but that He would have to convince my husband). The next day we first heard about the Little Man, February was spent getting licensed as Foster Parents, March we were licensed, May his parental-rights were terminated and June 1st he moved in. He will turn 1 year old next week and is the true joy of our lives. But more on that another time. I promise during recovery to write about the journey to becoming foster parents, what we have learned spiritually, as well as writing about how we still feel the pain of infertility even though the childlessness is gone. But that is all for another time.

Now....now, it's time to get to bed. As we head to the hospital in just 6 hours and I probably should get some sleep.

Friends and family wanting to know how things are going can check back here for updates. Thank you in advance for your prayers!

On the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled

For those of us still awaiting the conception, pregnancy and birth of the child who is flesh of our flesh, I found this quote beautiful and comforting. Praying for you all!

‎"I am oppressed by the uncertainty of my future, but I cherish the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled because the Lord can not place thoughts and desires in a person's soul if He does not really intend to fulfill them, to gratify these longings which He alone has caused."
~ St. Padre Pio

When all means fail...

Protestant pastor David Wilkerson died suddenly yesterday. Although I wasn't a follower of his, nor am I familiar with his teachings or writings, but I have been very touched by the final blog post he shared with the world. Not even yet knowing that he would meet Our Lord that very day, these were the thoughts at the forefront of his mind, most pressing on his heart. His words have touched me deeply. As each of us continues to travel through the valley of shadows in our own life, may each of us choose to believe...for His love prevails.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2011

WHEN ALL MEANS FAIL

Reverend David Wilkerson

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.

Blessings!

It's been months (almost three) since I've written. Life has been busy and God has been outpouring His blessings upon us daily. Somedays these blessings come in the form of joy and happiness...other days they come in the form of yet another mile along this way of the cross, and suffering that draws us closer to Him. My husband and I are realizing more and more the blessings that God gives us in each day...and that we are incredibly blessed...even in our barrenness. Sometimes the blessings come through raindrops, sometimes the healing comes through tears, sometimes the trails of this life are mercies in disguise.

That's why today, when I ran across this song "Blessings" by Laura Story, I knew I had to share. I pray that "Blessings" blesses you as it did me.

Laura Story shares the story behind the song...


Listen to "Blessings"

Patience is...

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

Wish I knew where this quote came from, but my friend that posted it only recalls hearing it somewhere. Wow. Does it hit home. Fits perfectly with the closing part of the talk I gave recently in Harrisburg as well. Patience and waiting....it's what Advent is all about...and our waiting for a child as well.

Blessings to you all!

(excerpt from "Hope for the Journey, given 12/11/2010)

Advent is a time of waiting and a season of hope. It is packed with moments that remind us of the journeys of so many who have experience barrenness before us. Dec 8th we celebrate the Immaculate Conception of our Lady, the long-awaited daughter of Anne and Joachim. Dec 9th we celebrate the Feast of St. Hannah and also Juan Diego, both united in their desire for a child. Dec 12th we celebrate Our Lady of Guadalupe, protectress of the unborn. The mass readings are packed with their stories. Last year even Fr. Bob noticed this and came up to me one morning after mass and said that he wanted me to know that he was praying for me…he had never realized how many references to pregnant women there were during Advent and how painful that must be. Oh my goodness…just to hear him say that and to recognize this was such a comfort to my soul. But it was true.

Last year I didn’t experience as much. Dave and had had several cycles where hopes were higher than normal, only to fall abruptly and crash lower. I’m ashamed to say that I found myself consumed with envy of the Blessed Virgin. Sure her life wasn’t easy, but at least she KNEW she was going to have a child in the near future. As the Advent prayers of the mass say, we look for him “whose coming is certain.” She was certain that a little one would enter her life in the near future. I didn’t have a little one in my life “whose coming was certain”. I didn’t have any promises. As the mass readings escalated in the excitement of the child who was to come, and we heard about the flurry of activity that preceded His birth, I fell more into sorrow and despair as my own life seemed to be going further down a road in the opposite direction of the season. The darkness of Advent became a very real reality to me and I struggled to find that light that pierced the darkness. All around me seemed to be filled with hope, and yet I was struggling to maintain any shred of hope. One of the greatest sources of pain for me was the empty manger in our crèche , as I was daily reminded that we were NOT expecting the long-awaited one in our life. And then one day I faced the realization that I was angry with Our Lady and envious of her. I was angry with her for seemingly flaunting her pregnancy in my face when my own heart was breaking and I was jealous of her for the joy that she had coming soon when she would get to hold her child. But I had missed the point. Advent reminds us that in the midst of the wait for God’s promises and prayers, we can have hope and we can trust. Our Lady neither flaunted her pregnancy nor did she turn a deaf ear to my pleas for her consolation. The image on the front of the handout is an icon that our parish had on holy cards last Advent. Father Bill encouraged me to look upon this image, as see my loving Mother, bearing the Christ child in her womb, with her arms raised and hands outstretched, was showing that she was bearing Him for us….for me. She did not wish to keep Him for herself, but rather she was bringing Him to those who would need Him most…for me. She bears the one who is to me and to each of us the greatest gift that we will ever receive. She bears Him for us.

Listen to the carols of Advent, read the promises in the book of Isaiah, listen to the cries of Israel as they wait for God’s promised Messiah to come. Come this coming Tuesday to hear Lessons and Carols at the parish. I have a feeling they will have a new and richer meaning for all of as we consider Israel’s wait for their child with the experiences that we have felt personally. Consider how long the world had had to wait for the conception of this child. How long had Israel awaited this promised little one? FAR longer than I have been waiting for the one I hope for in my womb. How painful was their wait? What suffering had they endured in the waiting? And yet just when it seemed that all was lost and hope was gone, God showed the world that He is faithful in keeping His promises. Here, at last, His spoken promise took flesh. The prayers of the mass in Advent “grant this through him whose coming is certain.” Those same words that had rubbed me raw earlier in Advent because I was upset that I DID NOT have someone whose coming was certain. ..now I saw those words in an entirely different light. No…I don’t have a baby in my life whose coming is certain. I am not promised a pregnancy. I am not promised physical motherhood. But Christ’s coming IS certain. HE will not fail to come. And this, not physical motherhood, has to be the source of our hope.

Advent is a season of hope in the promises of God. So it is fitting then that we would gather tonight to share with one another our longing for a children.…simultaneously we in darkened silence for, Jesus, the child of our universal longing. It is a time when heaven touches earth.

Let us continue to pray for the gift of a little life in our own and allow the hope of Christ to touch us. For who are we to underestimate the love, power and grace of God?

(if you would like a copy of the talk, just let me know and I'll try to get a copy out to you.)

Affect of infertility upon men

Infertility support is often criticized for being heavily focused on the woman's journey. Most medical treatments are focused on the woman, most support groups focus on the woman, even scriptures usually speak to the infertility from the woman's perspective. How have you seen infertility affect your husband? (or if you are a man, how does it affect you?) Does your husband talk about it? How does he grieve? What are the hardest parts of your infertility for him? What type of support does he look for? What type of support would he like?

Thanks all!

Stages of Grieving

Thank you so much to those of you who have commented on the questions I have been posting. I really would love to have your thoughts as the journey through this valley of tears is not mine alone... I am blessed to have the opportunity to help others see through out eyes and I appreciate those of you who are helping me do that. Thank you!

Today's questions have to do with the five stages of grief. They are commonly identified as:
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I'm not one to try and fit life into neat categories, but I think there is some truth to how we have seen these stages play out in our life. We have stayed in some stages awhile longer than others, while some we passed through rather quickly. While some individuals seem to want to push those going through infertility to "forget about it" and "move on" and get to Acceptance, we know that this is not possible and grieving and healing occurs differently at different times for each of us. How have you seen these stages of grief in your own journey? Where would you say you are at now? What has helped you to move forward? Has your spouse grieved differently? Have you found yourselves at two different stages (ie, one of you accepts and the other is still in anger)? If so, how have you handled this. Any other thoughts on the stages of grief associated with infertility?

Thanks for your thoughts!
Advent Blessings!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Classic Script Wishes Christmas

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View the entire collection of cards.

Walking on eggshells?

Today's questions revolve around how those with children can or should interact with those going through infertility. I often get asked from friends how they should act around their friends dealing with infertility. What can they share? What should they not say? Is it okay to talk about their kids? How can a mother share vital parts of her life and her identity with her friend suffering with infertility? To share might hurt the friend, but not to share, is to withold a large part of herself and in a way dimish the authenticity of the relationship. How can a someone be respectful of a person/couple going through infertility and yet not walk on eggshells, worrying that something they say might be hurtful? What have you found to be helpful in your own relationships? How have you found this balance with your friends?

Looking forward to hearing your comments and thoughts!

How can one support a friend with infertility?

Life continues on here. We are doing well, and keeping busy. The FertilityCare Center of Michiana continues to grow and thrive. So many people are hungry for FertilityCare, and to better know, understand and respect their fertility. It has been so richly rewarding to work with women and couples as a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner. God is so good. He has allowed me to take my greatest pain and find ways to support and minister to others not in spite of my cross, but rather because of my cross.

In the next few weeks I am going to have two big opportunities to reach out to others sharing the same cross as us. On December 3rd, my husband and I will be speaking at "A Night of Hope for Those Touched by Infertility" held at St. Pius X Catholic Church in Granger, IN. The retreat runs from 7-9:30EST and we are looking forward to presenting our talk "In the Waiting". Then on Saturday, December 11th, I will present at a conference called "The Church and Infertility" in Harrisburg, PA. Together with Fr. Tad Pacholczyk and Dr. Mark Stegman we will look at the Church's teachings on Bioethics, In-Vitro Fertilization and Embryo Adoption, as well as how we can support those going through infertility. I have been asked to come share our personal story as well as to help others learn how they can support friends and family carrying this cross.

Please pray for me as I work to complete my talks. And this leads to my question today. I don't want this to be just be our (Dave's and mine) story. I feel that God has given me these opportunities to speak for all of us. To share with hundreds of people attending what it is like to experience infertility and how we can best support those going through infertility. Over the next few days I am going to post a question here on the blog and it would mean so much to me if you would give me your thoughts. Stay tuned, there will be more to follow....but for today:

How can one support a friend with infertility? (What are the BEST ways your friends, family, parish, priest, etc have supported you? What are some of the LEAST helpful things they have said/done?)

The Next Chapter

Well...the next chapter has begun.

My absence from the blog has not been due to depression about infertility, difficulty dealing with our childlessness nor from a lack of things I wish to write on. Nope...none of those.

Rather, I have just been plaid ol' busy. Super busy. There are so many things I wanted to write on, to share with you, but I just haven't had time. So this is my attempt to fill you in on the many many blessings we have experienced in the past months. I know I'll barely skim the surface.

I determined awhile back not to define myself by our infertility...not to get stuck "in the waiting", but vowed to go out and do something productive. To live my life for God, to offer Him all that I am, just as I am in this moment, to do with me what He wills. I believe with all of my heart that He has something very special planned for each of us that only we can accomplish. He has created us for this time and this season and this purpose to fill a specific role. Our job is to pray, be attentive and to respond in love and obedience when He calls.

Starting last September I began to see a picture forming of something God was calling me to do. I had no idea how that one day in September (see my blog post from that day) would change my life. But over the last year as I have continued to pray and discern, I realize that I have been put in a special place to help share with others the power, beauty and truth of Catholic sexual teaching. To teach women about their bodies, how they were created to function and how there are better ways of healing than many options most in the medical profession are giving us. To this end, I have worked over the last year with other medical professionals associated with the Creighton Model in founding a local affiliate of the FertilityCare Centers of America. It has been a ton of work, but the fruit is starting to come. Just this past Thursday (the Feast of St. Padre Pio), our Center received it's approval for affiliation with our national organization. That same day, we found out that an event we are sponsoring in November will be co-sponsored by both our Diocese and also the Notre Dame Fund to Protect Human Life. AND on that same day, we began discussions with adminstrators of our local hospital about the possiblities of bringing a NaPro OB/GYN practice in. Amazing things are happening and we continue to pray. (Check out our new website at www.fccmichiana.org. We're especially excited about the "Upcoming Events" page!)

Yes, I've been busy. Yes, I may be too busy. And yes, what I am doing still relates to infertility, but I no longer feel defined by my cross. Instead I am feeling that the suffering has a purpose. If we didn't go through this way of the cross, I wouldn't have the motivation to do what I am doing, and I wouldn't know first-hand what it feels like to be in this valley of tears. But now, I feel a freedom in living and I feel more "alive" than I've felt in a long long time. It feels good. This must be what Jesus means when He promises to take away our suffering and replace it with his peace that surpasses all understanding. I am thankful.

And so tomorrow, I start yet another new chapter as I head to Omaha, Nebraska to train as a FertilityCare Practitioner at the Pope Paul VI Institute for the Study of Human Reproduction. Soon I will be trained and certified to teach the Creighton Model FertilityCare System. I am excited to have the experience, and am looking forward to the learning, but know that the 10 days will be challenging not only intellectually but emotionally. In addition to learning things I've always wanted to learn such as embryology, and anatomy and physiology, we will also be studying the various types of abortion, how they are done, and the way they affect the baby and could possibly affect the mother (physically and emotionally). As if reading the procedures step by step and seeing the pictures isn't hard enough on most people, for those of us unable to have a child, I think there is an added layer of sadness and pain. Please keep me in your prayers as I begin these studies. That I will be diligent and centered...that this may all be for the glory of God!

I pray for you all regularly and thank you for the many prayers you offer up for our behalf.

St. Therese of Liseux, pray for us.

Let us hold unwaveringly....

Therefore, brothers, since through the blood of Jesus we have confidence of entrance into the sanctuary by the new and living way he opened for us through the veil, that is, his flesh, and since we have "a great priest over the house of God," let us approach with a sincere heart and in absolute trust, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water. Let us hold unwaveringly to our confession that gives us hope, for he who made the promise is trustworthy.

Hebrews 10:19-23

Complete Surrender

This is my goal! To be as relaxed and surrendered as this little fellow!

When my soul has reach this state, I'll know I'm doing okay. :)

Trusting God and resting in Him....

...only then will nothing disturb my peace.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

God alone suffices

Let nothing disturb thee;

Let nothing dismay thee;

All things pass; God never changes.

Patience attains all that it strives for.

He who has God finds he lacks nothing:

God alone suffices.

~St. Teresa of Avila

Putting your trust in Him...

Whatever your difficulty, you have two options, you can worry and assume that Jesus no longer cares, or you can resist fear, putting your trust in him. When you feel like panicking, confess your need for God and then trust him to care for you.

Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be stil!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" ~ Mark 4:38-41

Desires...

You either control your desires or you let your desires control you. -JPII

Complete and Perfect in God's All-Seeing Eyes

"Things were in God's plan which I had not planned at all. I am coming to the living faith and conviction that - from God's point of view - there is no chance, and that the whole of my life, down to every detail, has been mapped out in God's divine providence and makes complete and perfect sense in God's all-seeing eyes." - St. Edith Stein

Hoping in God alone

"I feel a great desire to abandon myself with greater trust to the Divine Mercy and to place my hope in God alone."

~ St. Padre Pio di Pietralcina