The Lord Gives and He Takes Away. Blessed be His Name

Father, we abandon ourselves into your hands, to send a child ... or not ... as you see fit. You by whom the Word was made flesh, send us a miracle, if this is what you desire. Or lead us to her/him, if that be your will. We do not ask for guarantees; no parent can. Only light enough for the very next step. We do not ask for a perfect child, nor can we promise to be perfect parents. Whatever you choose for us, whatever you desire we abandon ourselves to your perfect will. We are ready to offer our daily "yes," until that perfect will be revealed in us. And until, at last perfected, we bear witness to the work of redemption you began in Eden. We love you, Lord, and offer ourselves to you, wholly and without reservation. We surrender ourselves, moment by moment, knowing that this is only the first small step of a lifetime of surrender, so that we may be made more perfect in love. That we might imitate, on earth as in heaven, the redemptive love, the adoptive love, the selfless love, with which you first loved us.
- Author Unknown

Since the day that we were notified about the baby/babies over a month ago (March 15), we have prayed this prayer. It has been a beautiful gift to us (courtesy of Hannah's Tears) as we surrender our hopes and dreams to Our Lord. To give our daily "fiat", our "yes" to whatever lies ahead. In the past weeks our lives have changed so much. Most everything revolved around the baby/babies and meeting the birthmother (scheduled for Sunday, April 18th). Suddenly our priorities had shifted. Out went the plans for home renovation, saving for the adoption costs was more important. Travel plans were altered, as we would need to be home with the little one(s) at that time. Seeing couples with babies was no longer a painful experience, but one rather of forshadowing and our excitement grew. We found that are hearts were growing bigger, to expand to fit the little one(s) growing in the womb of the birthmother. While it was her womb that was expanding, our hearts were keeping step. I even got online to get updates on what "my baby" was doing at this week in pregnancy (a somewhat bittersweet experience I have to say, as it was not really "my baby" yet, not was it my womb). I breathed in wonder as I learned the little one was the size of a grape, could respond to light, then grew to be the size of an avocado....no wonder my heart hurt, it was expanding rapidly. And I also learned that during this week I "could expect to gain five pounds and be more tired." That made me laugh...yes, I probably had gained five pounds and I was a bit more sleepy, but I think it had more to do with the gluttoneous eating of the Octave of Easter and less to do with a baby in someone else's womb. Nonetheless, our lives were changing rapidly and for a moment I got a first-hand glimpse of what it means to be "on the other side." No our infertility was not lifted, but for four beautiful wonderful weeks we had the hope of a little one coming into our lives.

All of that ended Wednesday.

Late Wednesday, we received word that our birthmother has changed her mind and would not be going through with the adoption. Dave and I knew all along that this was a possibility, but she had seemed very confident in the communications we had exchanged and so we had decided to start sharing the news with our family, friends, etc. We are, of course, saddened, but are trusting in God's plan. From the very beginning we said that if we were just "here" to support the birthmother for this stretch of her journey and to support her and let her know she had options, then that would be okay. Of course it would be hard and we would be sad, but it would be okay.Of course we are sad, but we do have peace about the way things have turned out. It's hard, but we trust.

The last few days have been quite difficult as we experience this miscarriage of the heart and begin the grieving process for the baby/babies we never knew. I didn't cry for the first day. I was away on business and had seven hours to think about it on my own before I could tell Dave the news. By the time I got home, it was late, I told him, we took a few deep breathes and went to bed. I still hadn't cried. It was only Thursday morning, when I woke up that the tears came...and they came...and they came. They just wouldn't stop. It wasn't the utter despair that I know all too well from the infertility journey, but rather it was an incredible sadness. A true and powerful surrender to God...of letting go of my plans and accepting His. At first I felt guitly for crying, as if this somehow proved that I did not trust Him or accept His will in this, but through prayer, I realized this was not the case. It was okay to cry. Tears were good...they were holy...a letting go....a trustful surrender to God in and of themselves. We know that we will both grieve and recover at different times and in different ways and we thank you for your prayers. Please also continue to pray for the birthmother and the baby/babies that we have grown to love. We continue to keep hope and trust that Our loving Savior has something beautiful in mind for us and our family. We know it. We trust it.

Today has already been better. We are at peace. This little one/these little ones, will always have a special place in our hearts, but we can move forward knowing that God is in control, and this is just as He has planned it. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name.

God bless you.

Blessed Be His Name
(Tree 63)




Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name