Saturday, September 3, 2011

Surgery went well

Thank you all for you prayers. Surgery went well. In a nutshell, Dr. Hilgers did a laparoscopy and found that, indeed, the ovaries were polycystic (3 times their normal size), that there was some endometriosis, there was an adhesion of the left fallopian tube to the left ovary and
there were signs of chronic uterine infection. He got some great pictures and it was amazing to see them when we met the next day. (One of the pictures came out so well that he thinks he'll use it in a future presentation. Sort of cool that my innerds might make a presentation, sort of sad that they are "textbook" enough in a bad way to do so.)

Anyway, following the lap, he then did a bilateral ovarian wedge resection, and got rid of the endometriosis and the adhesion and the uterine "blisters"...all using robotic assist (Da Vinci). The entire surgery took about four hours and I have six inscisions to show for it as well as feeling like someone repeatedly punched me in the gut. Going into surgery I hadn't been too sure how I felt about having the surgery done via robotic assist, but in the end it came down to me completely trusting Dr. Higlers. If I understand correctly, I was only the third patient Dr. Hilgers has done surgery on with Da Vinci...but he was VERY pleased with the results. He was giddy like a little boy with a new toy at what he was able to accomplish. He feels that all went well and that we got some good answers and results to issues that have been causing me pain and have been, at least in part, the source of our infertility.

The best part of Da Vinci for me, is that my recovery time will be much shorter than the wedge in 2009. Instead of 4-6 weeks, I could be back up and running in 2-3 weeks. After surgery, I spent the night in the hopsital and was then released the following morning. Since then I have been recovering at the Homewood Suites with Dave, the Little Man and my parents. Things are going well, but recovery still is taking its time. Perhaps the hardest part for me right now is not the physical pain, but the emotional pain at seeing my Little Man so upset. All he wants is for me to hold him, to pick him up, to hug him...and I can't. He just doesn't understand. We have figured out a way that he can be put on my lap for some snuggles, but it's still not the same. He toddles up to me and puts his arms up for a hug, and I can't pick him up. We have to wait for someone to bring him to me and then if he wiggles too much (or kicks my stomach like he did earlier) he has to be taken away and of course this causes more crying.

So I guess, at this point, my biggest prayer request is for my Little Man, the God will comfort him and help him to understand that Mommy still loves him and isn't trying to be distant. Also, for my hubby and parents that they would be given the strength, grace and patience to continue attending to me, and Little Man and still have their wits about them. I know it's not easy.

Thank you to the many people have have posted, texted and called. We greatly appreciate your help.

God bless you,

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Out of Surgery

Hi everyone, this is the husband speaking...

My wife is out of surgery......and all appears well.

I met briefly with Dr. Hilgers following the surgery and his reassuring smile as he entered the waiting room was very welcome. He indicated the following:

- Everything was able to be done robotically (via Da Vinci:

- Her ovaries had been poly cystic (again). He performed a wedge-resection on both ovaries to repair this.

- She had an adhesion of her left fallopian tube to her left ovary (presumably from the previous surgery). For those who don't know what that means, basically it means that the fallopian tube had adhered to her ovary. In surgery, Dr. Hilgers was able to remove the adhesion and correct the problem.

- Unlike last surgery, Suzy's fallopian tubes were not blocked (this is a good thing).

- Dr. Hilgers did not mention seeing any endometriosis either (also a good thing). Though, to be honest, I forgot to ask about it. However, I have every confidence he would have mentioned it if they had needed to remove any endometriosis.

She's currently in recovery and I won't be able to see her for another 2 hours or so. Because everything was able to be done Da Vinci, she should be released tomorrow. Most people who have operations via Da Vinci are released same-day, but because Hilgers has done so few robotically, they want to monitor her a little longer than normal. But, if all is well (and there's no reason to believe it won't be) tonight and tomorrow, she'll be released tomorrow morning. Recovery time is generally reduced, but we'll not worry about recovery until she says she's recovered.

Thank you for your prayers and please keep them coming!

A long overdue update - surgery today

Well,'s been too long.

What started out as me taking a break from blogging so as not to focus on the cross of infertility in my life, turned out to be a break so long that I felt to far behind to "catch up" and start writing again. But tomorrow (today, actually, as it's so late) is a big day and as I promised friends and family that I would update here...I figure I'd better throw in at least a little update.

First...the news of the I am headed to Creighton University Medical Center for surgery with Dr. Hilgers. Please keep us both in your prayers. We are doing a laparoscopy first and then a possible ovarian wedge resection, and anything else like cleaning out fallopian tubes, removing the endometriosis, getting ride of adheasions, scar tissues, etc. This is pretty much the same thing that I had done back July 2009, however ultrasounds and bloodtests are showing that my ovaries are again polycystic (those darned suckers).

So anyway, I find myself sitting in Omaha, looking forward to surgery tomorrow. Just pray that my husband has the grace and strength to single-parent our son for the next weeks during my recovery.

Yes, you read correctly...our son.

For those of you who know me only through blogging, I apologize that this is going to come out of left field possibly. But yes, we are in the process of adopting our wonderful Little Man. Long story short, in January I finally gave in to the Lord and told Him that, yes, I would answer His call on my heart to be a foster parent (but that He would have to convince my husband). The next day we first heard about the Little Man, February was spent getting licensed as Foster Parents, March we were licensed, May his parental-rights were terminated and June 1st he moved in. He will turn 1 year old next week and is the true joy of our lives. But more on that another time. I promise during recovery to write about the journey to becoming foster parents, what we have learned spiritually, as well as writing about how we still feel the pain of infertility even though the childlessness is gone. But that is all for another time., it's time to get to bed. As we head to the hospital in just 6 hours and I probably should get some sleep.

Friends and family wanting to know how things are going can check back here for updates. Thank you in advance for your prayers!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

On the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled

For those of us still awaiting the conception, pregnancy and birth of the child who is flesh of our flesh, I found this quote beautiful and comforting. Praying for you all!

‎"I am oppressed by the uncertainty of my future, but I cherish the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled because the Lord can not place thoughts and desires in a person's soul if He does not really intend to fulfill them, to gratify these longings which He alone has caused."
~ St. Padre Pio

Thursday, April 28, 2011

When all means fail...

Protestant pastor David Wilkerson died suddenly yesterday. Although I wasn't a follower of his, nor am I familiar with his teachings or writings, but I have been very touched by the final blog post he shared with the world. Not even yet knowing that he would meet Our Lord that very day, these were the thoughts at the forefront of his mind, most pressing on his heart. His words have touched me deeply. As each of us continues to travel through the valley of shadows in our own life, may each of us choose to believe...for His love prevails.


Reverend David Wilkerson

To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.

Friday, March 18, 2011


It's been months (almost three) since I've written. Life has been busy and God has been outpouring His blessings upon us daily. Somedays these blessings come in the form of joy and happiness...other days they come in the form of yet another mile along this way of the cross, and suffering that draws us closer to Him. My husband and I are realizing more and more the blessings that God gives us in each day...and that we are incredibly blessed...even in our barrenness. Sometimes the blessings come through raindrops, sometimes the healing comes through tears, sometimes the trails of this life are mercies in disguise.

That's why today, when I ran across this song "Blessings" by Laura Story, I knew I had to share. I pray that "Blessings" blesses you as it did me.

Laura Story shares the story behind the song...

Listen to "Blessings"

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Patience is...

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

Wish I knew where this quote came from, but my friend that posted it only recalls hearing it somewhere. Wow. Does it hit home. Fits perfectly with the closing part of the talk I gave recently in Harrisburg as well. Patience and's what Advent is all about...and our waiting for a child as well.

Blessings to you all!

(excerpt from "Hope for the Journey, given 12/11/2010)

Advent is a time of waiting and a season of hope. It is packed with moments that remind us of the journeys of so many who have experience barrenness before us. Dec 8th we celebrate the Immaculate Conception of our Lady, the long-awaited daughter of Anne and Joachim. Dec 9th we celebrate the Feast of St. Hannah and also Juan Diego, both united in their desire for a child. Dec 12th we celebrate Our Lady of Guadalupe, protectress of the unborn. The mass readings are packed with their stories. Last year even Fr. Bob noticed this and came up to me one morning after mass and said that he wanted me to know that he was praying for me…he had never realized how many references to pregnant women there were during Advent and how painful that must be. Oh my goodness…just to hear him say that and to recognize this was such a comfort to my soul. But it was true.

Last year I didn’t experience as much. Dave and had had several cycles where hopes were higher than normal, only to fall abruptly and crash lower. I’m ashamed to say that I found myself consumed with envy of the Blessed Virgin. Sure her life wasn’t easy, but at least she KNEW she was going to have a child in the near future. As the Advent prayers of the mass say, we look for him “whose coming is certain.” She was certain that a little one would enter her life in the near future. I didn’t have a little one in my life “whose coming was certain”. I didn’t have any promises. As the mass readings escalated in the excitement of the child who was to come, and we heard about the flurry of activity that preceded His birth, I fell more into sorrow and despair as my own life seemed to be going further down a road in the opposite direction of the season. The darkness of Advent became a very real reality to me and I struggled to find that light that pierced the darkness. All around me seemed to be filled with hope, and yet I was struggling to maintain any shred of hope. One of the greatest sources of pain for me was the empty manger in our crèche , as I was daily reminded that we were NOT expecting the long-awaited one in our life. And then one day I faced the realization that I was angry with Our Lady and envious of her. I was angry with her for seemingly flaunting her pregnancy in my face when my own heart was breaking and I was jealous of her for the joy that she had coming soon when she would get to hold her child. But I had missed the point. Advent reminds us that in the midst of the wait for God’s promises and prayers, we can have hope and we can trust. Our Lady neither flaunted her pregnancy nor did she turn a deaf ear to my pleas for her consolation. The image on the front of the handout is an icon that our parish had on holy cards last Advent. Father Bill encouraged me to look upon this image, as see my loving Mother, bearing the Christ child in her womb, with her arms raised and hands outstretched, was showing that she was bearing Him for us….for me. She did not wish to keep Him for herself, but rather she was bringing Him to those who would need Him most…for me. She bears the one who is to me and to each of us the greatest gift that we will ever receive. She bears Him for us.

Listen to the carols of Advent, read the promises in the book of Isaiah, listen to the cries of Israel as they wait for God’s promised Messiah to come. Come this coming Tuesday to hear Lessons and Carols at the parish. I have a feeling they will have a new and richer meaning for all of as we consider Israel’s wait for their child with the experiences that we have felt personally. Consider how long the world had had to wait for the conception of this child. How long had Israel awaited this promised little one? FAR longer than I have been waiting for the one I hope for in my womb. How painful was their wait? What suffering had they endured in the waiting? And yet just when it seemed that all was lost and hope was gone, God showed the world that He is faithful in keeping His promises. Here, at last, His spoken promise took flesh. The prayers of the mass in Advent “grant this through him whose coming is certain.” Those same words that had rubbed me raw earlier in Advent because I was upset that I DID NOT have someone whose coming was certain. I saw those words in an entirely different light. No…I don’t have a baby in my life whose coming is certain. I am not promised a pregnancy. I am not promised physical motherhood. But Christ’s coming IS certain. HE will not fail to come. And this, not physical motherhood, has to be the source of our hope.

Advent is a season of hope in the promises of God. So it is fitting then that we would gather tonight to share with one another our longing for a children.…simultaneously we in darkened silence for, Jesus, the child of our universal longing. It is a time when heaven touches earth.

Let us continue to pray for the gift of a little life in our own and allow the hope of Christ to touch us. For who are we to underestimate the love, power and grace of God?

(if you would like a copy of the talk, just let me know and I'll try to get a copy out to you.)