Friday, December 11, 2009

Desiring a what cost?

As we continue to long for a child in our family be he or she biological, adopted, foster or whatever be God's most holy will, I am still astounded at times by those that will stop at nothing to fulfill their desires. May we always submit our desires, even noble desires like that of motherhood to Our Father, and trust that He will answer them in peace and love according to our deepest need. Please pray for all involved in this horrible situation. Please also pray for a young man and woman who have scheduled their abortion for tomorrow. Please pray that we would be able to reach out to them with love.

Without Bond
By Dave Andrusko

Capt. Misty Mints, a Prince George's County, Maryland police spokeswoman, told the Washington Post, "It's 100 percent the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in 15 1/2 years on the department," adding, "I can't even imagine what this victim must have gone through, the complete horror."Mints was talking incredulously about the attack on Teka Adams by Veronica Deramous in which Deramous is alleged to have tried to cut open the pregnant homeless woman with box cutters and a razor to steal her baby.Although critically wounded, Adams is expected to make a full recovery. She named her baby, who was delivered by emergency Cesarean section, Miracle Sky.Held without bond, Deramous is accused of attempted first-degree murder, false imprisonment, and other counts in the attack, the Post reported. A preliminary hearing will be held January 5.Details continued to come out but the basic outlines are clear, according to the Post's accounts. Deramous repotedly met the eight-month-pregnant Adams at a homeless shelter and convinced her to go with Deramous on the pretext that she was going to buy her baby clothes, the Post reported. "For nearly five days, police said, Veronica D. Deramous kept the pregnant woman, bound with duct tape, inside her Suitland [Maryland] apartment, giving her food and drink to keep her alive," according to the Post. "Deramous wanted the woman's unborn baby girl, police said, and was willing to get it by any means."Over the weekend, police said, she stuffed a rag in Adams mouth, placed tape over it, and told Adams "You're strong...You can handle what I'm going to do to you," the Post reported. "Using a few box cutters and a razor blade, Deramous cut into the woman's abdomen," according to the Post. Following the unsuccessful attempt, Deramous went to sleep. Adams wiggled free of her bonds and when she "escaped sometime in the next 24 hours, her placenta, stomach and intestines were still exposed," the Post reported.Adams was arrested a few hours later in Virginia.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Teach Me to Love While Suffering...

“+ Mother of God, Your soul was plunged into a sea of bitterness; look upon Your child and teach her to suffer and to love while suffering. Fortify my soul that pain will not break it. Mother of grace, teach me to live by [the power of] God….O my God, my only hope, I have placed all my trust in You, and I know I shall not be disappointed.”

~ From the Diary of St. Faustina

Jesus, I trust in you.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

On Doubting God’s Goodness

It seems I’m at a new stage of this journey. My body is healing from the surgery and I am seeing signs in my Creighton charts that I’ve never experienced before. All seem to be good signs, but with these new observations comes a new sense of hope that I’m trying not to let get to high. As I found out last Easter, the higher you get your hopes, the harder you fall. I fell very hard at Easter when we I had convinced myself we were pregnant and then found out we weren’t...I don’t want to do that again. So while the new observations are exciting and do encourage hope that we are indeed making progress towards my healing (and conception), I’m trying to temper my “excitement” if you will. It still could be a long long path yet before us.

I wanted to reflect today on a passage from a book I’m reading “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.” It’s a bit lengthy, but worth sharing and reflecting upon I think:


Doubting God’s Goodness
(from Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, by Joanna Weaver)

I wonder how the Father feels when we assume the worst about him rather than the best. Does his heart hurt like mine when we question his love?

“You don’t love me,” my thirteen-year-old son said with the same pout he’d used that pizza-deprived afternoon many years ago. He was teasing (more or less) and he said it with the hint of a grin, but he still wanted the remark to sting. And it did.

“What do you mean?” I wanted to scream. “I clothe you. I feed you. I make sure you have cleats for football. I have a forever-ugly zipper on my lower belly where the doctor ripped me open so you could live, ungrateful child—and now I don’t love you?

But none of that counted at the moment. I had told him he couldn’t stay up and watch the NFL playoffs on a school night, and suddenly all my love had been erased.

Doubting God’s love doesn’t require tragedy. It can creep into the everyday just as insidiously, just as dangerously. It happens when our will is crossed, when our needs are ignored, or when we, like Martha [in the New Testament], are stuck doing the dirty work while everyone else is having fun.

Now, such doubt in itself is not a sin. It’s simply a thought or feeling that springs up almost involuntarily. But when we let it lodge in our heart long enough, wedged tightly like a poppy seed between our teeth, that little doubt can become a big problem. For doubt, left unchecked, can fester into unbelief. And unbelief, my fried, is not only sin—it’s deep trouble. When we no longer believe in God’s goodness, when we no longer trust in his care, we end up running away from the very Love we need to live.

Unbelief brought down Judas—he refused to trust God’s timing. Unbelief hardened Saul’s heart—he closed his eyes to the rightness of God’s ways. Unbelief kept the Israelites in the wilderness for forty years because they questioned God’s ability to lead them. And it was unbelief way back at the beginning of time that opened a doorway of darkness in a world designed for pure light.

The Garden of Eden must have been wonderful. Just think: no house to clean, no meals to cook, no clothes to iron! Eve had it made. A gorgeous hunk of a husband. Paradise for a living room. God for a playmate. But somehow, in the midst of all these blessings, the marvelous grew mundane, the remarkable ho-hum. And a nagging sense of discontentment sent Eve wandering toward the only thing God had withheld: the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always “know,” to always “understand”? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn’t immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.

“I need to know,” we tell ourselves.

“No,” God answers softly, “you need to trust.”

But like the original first lady, we push aside his tender voice and head straight for the tree. Not the sacrificial tree of the cross, but the proud, towering beauty called Knowledge. Because, after all, knowledge is power. And power is what we secretly crave.

I believe Eve’s eventual sin began with a tiny thought—a small, itching fear that she was somehow missing something and that God didn’t have her best interest at heart. What could be wrong with something so lovely, so desirable as the forbidden fruit? Perhaps a hidden resentment had worked down into her spirit. Adam got name the animals while she got to pick papayas. Whatever the identity of the tiny irritation, it sent her looking for more.

And Satan was ready and waiting, willing to give her more than she’d ever bargained for. He filled her mind with questions. “Did God really say…?” Satan encouraged Eve to doubt God’s word and God’s goodness until the continual question marks finally obliterated her trust in God’s love.

Humanity has questioned God’s love ever since.


This passage has really spoken to me and given me much food for thought over the last several days. As the author says, it was unbelief that brought down Judas. Why? Because he refused to trust God’s timing. Hm...that sounds familiar. Seems like I am constantly fighting the temptation to question God’s timing of us becoming pregnant. I echo the thoughts the author gives Eve, “What could be wrong with something so lovely, so desirable as the forbidden fruit?” our case a baby. A baby...something that is so lovely and desirable, and yet still, withheld from us by God for reasons known only to Him, even if just for this period of time. Yes, I get it. I can see exactly how Eve’s distrust may have started. Perhaps it was hidden resentment...I have seen that too. For Eve, it might have been that Adam got the better tasks in Eden, who knows...for me, my temptation to resentment comes in the strollers at the mall, the numerous friends (many much much younger than I and perhaps just married) who announce their pregnancies, the Christmas cards with pictures of growing families (please do keep sending them!), the women who feel that their only/best option is to abort their baby...when I would gladly accept their child and welcome it into our family...these are just a few of the ways that I am tempted to resent my state in life. Again, I am never upset at these women (I love them) or the families with children (I am overjoyed for them) just causes me to be resentful of my own state in life at times.

And the thought that Eve’s eventual sin began with a tiny thought—a small, itching fear that she was somehow missing something and that God didn’t have her best interest at heart? Uh yeah...been there too. I hate to admit it, I really do...but I have at times questioned if God has my best interest at heart...if He did, why wouldn’t He give us this gift of a child? This really is sinful thinking. How could we, how could I, ever question the love of someone who gave His own life for us. What more could He have done to prove His love? As my spiritual director often says to me when I’m struggling with whether God loves me (usually brought upon by a pity party about not having a baby)…”Suzy, look to the crucifix. Look at Jesus upon the cross. What more could He do to show you His love?” Exactly, Father. Thank you. Perhaps a hidden resentment and doubt had worked down into Eve’s spirit. I know they can easily work into mine. I have to watch and guard that they don’t take root. Confession is an excellent way to prevent resentment and doubt from gaining a foothold. Frequent confession (at least once monthly) helps renew our heart and restore that intimate relationship with God that we have damaged by questioning His love.

It was interesting to me that the author asks, “What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always “know,” to always “understand”? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn’t immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.” Wow! If that doesn’t sound like me, I don’t know what does. I can analyze my Creighton charts for hours looking for hopeful signs...trying to “know” and “understand” and even, if I’m honest, “predict” and “forecast”. Why is it that I seem to trust myself more than my creator at times? Why can’t I just be content to live in the Sacrament of the Present Moment, accepting each moment as it comes? The author is so right on….I so often say, “I need to know,” and God softly answers me, “No, Suzy, you need to trust.” Perhaps this week each of us can make an effort to go to Confession (or perhaps make an Examination of Conscience if we’re not Catholic), and honestly confess before God our lack of trust in the various situations of our lives...the times when we worry...we doubt...we look to ourselves for answers….and then, when we are done, perhaps we can spend a half an hour or so before His presence in Eucharistic Adoration, and allow Him to embrace us, hold us, and whisper in our hearts, “I love you. Be still. Trust.”

God bless you all this Advent season as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Lord.
Jesus, I trust in you.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Path to Sanctity

My Path to Sanctity
By: Kimberly Hahn

Where I am, I am to be.
This is my path to sanctity,
Though toil and strife—the affairs of life —
Draw my attention away from Thee.
I begin again, afresh, anew.
Today I choose to follow you.
Though others’ demands require my hands
Clasped in prayer to open and do.

I want to make each task a prayer,
Each word—each thought—your love to share.
Though sins abound
Forgiveness I’ve found,
As the cross you’ve made for me I bear.

I ponder, at the close of day
On the manifold graces that came my way.
Through trials and pain and joy, I exclaim,
Where I am, I am to be.
This is my path to sanctity!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Bigger Picture

My thought for the day:

What if I allow myself to put the outcome in God’s hands and just live intensely in the present, absorbing and embracing life as it happens? It’s not indifference or admitting defeat; it’s seeing the bigger picture.
Blessings everyone.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Pray for our Bishops - US Bishops' Fall General Assembly begins today

The US Bishops' Fall General Assembly begins today and runs through Thursday, November 19th in Baltimore. As mentioned before (Nov 4 post) one of the things the Bishops will discuss is a document called "Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology." Please pray that the Holy Spirit will guide our Bishops, not only in this discussion, but in all aspects of their Fall General Assembly.

If you're interested in watching some of this meeting, Telecare will cover the public sessions of the U.S. Bishops’ meeting, airing coverage Monday, November 16, from 1-6 p.m., Tuesday, November 17, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., and Wednesday, November 18, 9-11 a.m. If no TV station in your area is carrying Telecare's coverage, the USCCB will also provide coverage. The USCCB Web page will post document, vote tallies and link to live streaming at USCCB Office of Media Relations will provide Web coverage of the meeting via Twitter ( on Facebook ( and on the USCCB Media Blog ( The Twitter handle will provide updates of the meeting’s proceedings in real time, while the blog and Facebook posts will include longer reports and photos.

Come Holy Spirit!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Our new Bishop! ~ Welcome Bishop Rhoades

(Bishop John Michael D'Arcy & our new Bishop, Bishop Kevin Rhoades)

Well...the rumors have been confirmed. We have a new Bishop!

Just this evening I was chatting with friends of ours from the Catholic Young Adults Group in State College about how we were getting a new Bishop soon. One of my girlfriends, who now lives in Hershey mentioned that they too had just found out that they would be losing their Bishop (the Bishop of Harrisburg). Imagine my surprise when 30 minutes later I can home, checked online and found out that our new Bishop in Fort Wayne-South Bend is Bishop Kevin Rhoades...who was up until now the Bishop of Harrisburg. Small world.
Initial reactions are very positive. Several friends of mine have worked with him within the diocese or know him in other capacities and have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. Thanks be to God! So we will continue to pray and to look forward to his installation on January 13, 2010. Welcome Bishop Kevin Rhoades!

Bishop Rhoades was born November 26, 1957, in Mahanoy City, Pennsylvania. He studied for the priesthood at St. Charles Seminary, Overbrook, Pennsylvania, and the Gregorian University and was ordained to the priesthood in 1983. He became rector of St. Mary’s Seminary, Emmitsburg, Maryland in 1997, and was named Bishop of Harrisburg in 2004. He holds Licentiates in Canon Law and Sacred Theology from the Gregorian University.

The Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend has a population of 1,262,788 people, with 157,703, or 12 per cent, of them Catholic. [More information on the
diocesan website.]

Late-breaking: new bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend soon?

The following thoughts were posted on American Papist and I thought they were worth passing along. We all have felt that we would be hearing an announcement of our new Bishop soon...but for me, as exciting as it is, there is still some sadness. Bishop D'Arcy has been so supportive of all that we are trying to do in the Diocese regarding fertility, and Hannah's Tears. He has been an incredible blessing. And now that I see that we could know, even today, who the next Bishop is, I am amazed even more at how much he has been doing in what are now probably his last weeks as Bishop. As the article below says, one source "noted a flurry of recent activity undertaken by Bishop D'Arcy, which would also imply that he is wrapping up the last of his unfinished business." Having been blessed to be a part of several aspects of this "flurry of recent activity"...the Bioethics Conference (Sept 11, 2009), having our Pastor, Bill Schooler elevated to Monsignor (Nov 8, 2009)...and knowing that our phone meeting between me and Bishop (Nov 5, 2009) was also made a priority in the "last weeks", it's an honor, and I am amazed at how Bishop D'Arcy does not intend to go out quietly, but rather making the most of his position of authority until the very end. I realize that I haven't reflected on my meeting with him and I hope to soon, but for now, it's time for football!

Happy Saturday everyone! Please pray for our new Bishop, whoever he may be. That the Holy Spirit would inspire the selection and that he too would have a heart for fertility/infertility and be willing to work with me/us to make the conference and future plans a reality.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us.

At the risk of crying "bishop!" one too many times, I'm being told this afternoon that Bishop John D'Arcy of the diocese of Fort Wayne - South Bend, Indiana has summoned the priests of his diocese for a "once in a generation" announcement tomorrow.

At a local Mass in the diocese celebrated today, the celebrant mentioned the rising rumors that the new appointment would be announced soon.

Bishop D'Arcy
himself admitted in a statement posted to the diocesan website this Wedesday that his successor "cannot be too far away." He spoke in a way that could suggest he already knows who that individual will be.

Finally, Vatican-rumor blog Whispers in the Loggia
noted a flurry of recent activity undertaken by Bishop D'Arcy, which would also imply that he is wrapping up the last of his unfinished business.

Saturday morning announcements of new bishops are not unheard of. Tomorrow will tell.
For the record,
my bet is Bishop Thomas Paprocki, as it was over a month ago.

~ Thomas Peters

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Thrill of the Fruit Box

I would never have thought that the highlight of my week would be the arrival of the Organic Veggie/Fruit box! This week is especially exciting because it is the first week we have ordered only Fruit! I have no idea what do with several of the items (a whole coconut, pomegranate, Fuyu persimmons...what the heck are those anyway?) but can’t wait to figure it out. And unpacking it this afternoon, it was so pretty, I had to take a picture and figured I’d post to for you all to see. Heck, why not? :) All this for $35 bucks. Wow. We are going to be one happy little fruit bat Younger family! (if you live in the area and want to know more about B&B Organics, let me know...happy to connect you with them! They’re great!

2.5 Lbs Bananas * 1/2 Gallon Apple Cider * 2 Lbs Lemons
* 1 Pomegranate * 1 Lb Kiwi Fruit * 1.5 Lb Red Grapes
* 1 Pineapple * 4 Lbs Oranges * 1 Mango
* 3 Lbs Fuji Apples * 1 Coconut * 2 Grapefruit
* 2 Fuyu Persimmons

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

An Evening of Creighton Model NFP and NaPro Technology for Medical Professionals

It’s been four days since we hosted the Dessert Party and Evening of Creighton Model NFP and NaPro Technology and I’m only now able to really process it all. So much has happened in the past weeks to lead up to the event and I have been so tired since it, that I haven’t really been able to put into words how well it went to what it was like. But I’ve had the weekend to sleep and recover and because so many wonderful things did happen, I really do want to spend some time sharing the experience with all of you.

As a friend said, “This evening was an unqualified success.” It really was. I laughed and told someone that you know the Holy Spirit is in charge when you can get nine doctors together on the same evening! It’s hard enough to get ONE to come someplace, but NINE? Come Holy Spirit! There were 20 of us total for the evening, a beautiful mixture of medical professionals (doctors, nurses, physician assistants, fertility care practitioners, etc) in a variety of fields (Family Medicine, OBGYN, Orthopedic Surgery, Pharmacy), with varying years of experience (from 20+ years in the field to others in their first year of residency), and we were about a 50/50 split between those who were already affiliated with Creighton Model NFP and NaPro Technology and those that were either interested in learning more so they could become affiliated, or those who were open to learning about what Creighton and NaPro were all about. We got together around 7:30pm and had about 45 minutes of social time with drinks and desserts before heading into the presentation portion of the evening. Dr. Parker, my NaPro OBGYN from Ohio was in town and had agreed to present Creighton/NaPro and his personal journey and we were so blessed that he did. It was a powerful and very moving story of his journey to an NFP only practice. It was certainly an evening of hope. Presenting medically sound, scientifically-supported authentic women’s health care that has incredible documented results not only in the areas of postponing pregnancy (99.5% effective..the same or better than the pill) but also in the area of achieving pregnancy. Especially in the areas of infertility, the results are amazing (pregnancy rates that are 30-40% greater than IVF treatments...and a fraction of the cost). It was wonderful to hear Dr. Parker share the information from an OBGYNs perspective, and relate to his medical colleges the history of where he had been, why he decided to look into Creighton/NaPro, and what brought about his conversion to a Natural Family Planning Only practice.

Following his presentation, we had some questions and conversations as a group and I really appreciated the courage of the medical professionals present to ask the questions that were most on their minds. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate their willingness to come to the event, to be open to learning more and to asking the questions which are most pressing in their minds. It was a beautiful evening! I think we were done around 9:45, but the last guests left the house at 11:45pm!!! They just kept conversing, swapping business cards and networking! People just didn’t seem to want to leave! I think that we could all sense that something special was happening.

There were so many aspects of the evening that struck me, I’ll list just a few:

· The opportunity to network. The Creighton docs supporting those interested in learning more, and especially those in residency...that they would have contacts who have “gone before them” and can help give them a hand a long the way. The doctors who had been “in the business” for awhile, reaching out to the residents to encourage and support them.

· Hearing one of the young residents talk about how they wanted to have an NFP-only practice when they were done with residency. It was so exciting to know that there is fresh blood coming in to the NFP-only medical community!!!

· Dr. Parker talking about his family and six children saying, “We have to get past the mentality that I have six children because the Creighton Method failed [in preventing pregnancy]. I have six children because the method worked.” And this is a huge point when talking to those that do not respect large families. They can’t imagine why anyone would want more than one or two clearly the youngest four children in the Parker family must have been accidents where the Creighton method failed. On the contrary he said. He has six children because each one was wanted and the method helped he and his wife to conceive them. This really is a huge point.

· Dr. Parker talking about how he had resisted making the decision to no longer prescribe birth control and do sterilizations, (and thus move to an NFP-only practice) because he didn’t want to force his morality on his patients….Then one day he realized, why was he allowing his patients to force their morality on him? He was allowing them to dictate what he did. If they still wanted birth control or something else, they could always go find it somewhere else...he had to make the choice to be faithful to what he knew to be true.

· Dr. Holly, a Family Medicine Doctor/Creighton Medical Consultant from Fort Wayne connecting with Dr. Parker. Previously, Dr. Holly had referred his patients to Omaha to Pope Paul VI Institute to see Dr. Hilgers. But now that he’s met Dr. Parker, perhaps he will be able to refer some of his patients to them? It’s a lot closer and the wait time for surgery is about half that of what it is to get into Omaha! These are the types of connections that were awesome to watch Friday night.

· Dr. Parker talked about how it was the prompting and encouragement of his patients that lead him to look into Creighton/NaPro. He said that patients would come bring him information about Creighton/NaPro and he would put it in his white coat pocket, and then later dump it on his desk, of course never reading it. Finally he agreed to go to Omaha and look into it all further. At the end of the first night, he was moved to tears and the conversion had begun. What struck me about this was that it was the encouragement, prompting and insistence of the patients that really made the difference for him. Why is this important to me? Because I think those of us who are in the Creighton/NaPro family really do owe it to our medical professionals to encourage them to look into this. Why don’t more doctors know about this? Because no one has told them. Creighton/NaPro certainly isn’t being taught in medical school (why? I have no idea.), and thus, we have to stand in that gap. We need to host events like this, help make introductions, and foster a community. If you are interested in hosting an event similar to ours in your community, let me know and I’ll help you set it up!

· I was struck by pressures that doctors face when they decide to stop prescribing birth control and go to an NFP only practice. Instead of understanding that doctors are doing this to promote better health in their patients (see Dr. Parker’s letter to patients), many look at them as if they are somehow denying care to the women they see. How contrary that is to the truth. If every woman knew about birth control what she deserved to know (see What a Woman Should Know about Birth Control), I don’t think many would be on it anymore. And I say this not from a moral or religious or ethical point of view, but merely from a health point of view. If women could truly see that Creighton Model NFP is JUST AS or MORE SO effective than the pill (Creighton is 99.5% effective), that it costs a fraction of the cost (I pay $2.00 for six months of charting supplies), that it is HEALTHY for them, and that using Creighton would actually strengthen their marriages!!!! … if women truly grasped this, it would change our world forever! But yet somehow, there is this cloud and fog over the concept of NFP. I think many mistakenly view it as old fashioned, scientifically-lacking and confuse it with the Calendar Method or the Rhythm Method which were not effective at all. Creighton is different. There is a reason they talk about it “Unleashing the Power of a Woman’s Cycle.” It deserves to be looked into by doctors and patients alike. And for those of us who already understand the power, beauty and truth of NFP, we must pray that others will be open to learning more and to understanding, and especially for our doctors...that they would have the courage to be faithful to the truth and to their calling as instruments of God’s healing! Especially close to my heart are those married couples who are both doctors...when one is ready to embrace NFP-only and the other is still resisting...we must continue to pray for them in a special way.

· Dr. Parker sharing that I was the 9th woman he had done this surgery on, and that 6 of the nine were already pregnant...he shared his hopes that I would be the 7th shortly. Me too. :)
The evening really was incredible. Those are just a few of the highlights and I probably could keep on going! Doctors came from Fort Wayne and Michigan (driving 2+ hours to get here), the Co-Directors for the Office of Family Life came as well to encourage learn and support….it really was an amazing evening. As we were wrapping up the evening, numerous guests thanked me profusely for hosting the evening and said, “we have to do this again.” Don’t worry folks...another is already in the planning! :) My prayer is to do something similar to this every 3 months, to keep networking, to keep learning, to keep encouraging, to keep supporting, to keep growing together in truth.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for this evening and for those that would come. The real work is now beginning as the medical professionals return to their practices and consider how they will respond to all that they heard and experienced! My prayer is that we will soon have a NaPro Center for Women’s Health here in South Bend. You think I’m crazy? Why not? With God all things are possible! :)

"For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible."
~Matthew 19:26

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Meeting with the Bishop tomorrow - Life-Giving Love at the US Bishops' Fall Conference

I received a phone call today from the Bishop’s secretary. My meeting with Bishop D’Arcy is scheduled for 4pm tomorrow (Thursday, November 5th). I am excited to get to talk with him more, to follow up on our conversation from the Bioethics Conference (see post) and to talk to him about Hannah’s Tears and also the upcoming US Bishops’ Conference meeting.

As I have mentioned before, I have been feeling a very strong call to help prepare a conference on the truth, power and beauty of the Catholic Church’s teaching in the areas of fertility. As I have prayed about a name for this conference, the title that keeps coming to me is “Life Giving Love.” Imagine my shock when a few days ago I learned that the US Bishops will be debating a document at the conference which will encourage couples struggling with infertility to embrace “legitimate” treatments to fulfill their desire to be parents….and that the title of this document is “Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology.” LIFE-GIVING LOVE! The same name that has come to me again and again!

Thank you for your prayers as I prepare to meet with Bishop D’Arcy. I am thrilled at the role God is allowing me to play in helping development fertility/infertility awareness! Here’s more information on the upcoming Bishops’ conference:

U.S. Bishops to Urge Ethical Infertility Treatments
Seek to Offer Hope and Encouragement to Couples

WASHINGTON, D.C., OCT. 30, 2009 ( The U.S. bishops will debate a document next month that encourages couples struggling with infertility to embrace "legitimate" treatments to fulfill their desire to be parents.

During the bishops' fall meeting -- Nov. 16-19 -- the prelates will debate and discuss a document titled "Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology," drafted by the conference's Committee on Pro-Life Activities.

The text affirms the necessary link between the sexual act and procreation, and explains the Church's moral opposition to artificial reproductive technologies such as in vitro fertilization, embryo donation and adoption, egg and sperm donation, cloning, and surrogacy.
"The Church has compassion for couples suffering from infertility and wants to be of real help to them," explains the draft document. "At the same time, some 'reproductive technologies' are not legitimate ways to solve those problems. We bishops of the United States offer this reflection to explain why.

"We also offer it to provide hope -- real hope that couples can fulfill their procreative potential and build a family while fully respecting God's design for their marriage and for the gift of children."

The text will include a section of questions and answers, testimonies from couples, and encouragement.

Valid treatments for infertility, the text explains, include hormonal treatment and other medications, surgery to repair damaged fallopian tubes, natural family planning, and means for alleviating male infertility factors.

The document explains that these methods are acceptable because they "do not substitute for the married couple’s act of loving union; rather, they assist this act in reaching its potential for giving rise to a new human life."

The text requires the approval of two-thirds of the bishops.

This document is a companion to the 2007 educational resource "Married Love and the Gift of Life," which explains the Church's teaching on contraception.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Alive Again

I witnessed something beautiful last night on my way to Lafayette that I wanted to tie into yesterday’s post. Yesterday I posted some thoughts from the Holy Father on the importance of praying for the dead and spending time at their tombs in the cemeteries, especially on All Souls. Well, as I was arriving into town, I drove through a stretch of road that passes between two cemeteries. On the right side, the non-denominational cemetery, and on the left, the Catholic cemetery. The right side was quiet and empty, but the Catholic cemetery was full of life. There were numerous groups of people gathered around the tombs of their loved ones, many with vigil candles. The cemetery was full of the living, praying for the dead. It was a powerful image for me and made me reflect upon the beauty of our Faith. The unity of the body of Christ and the never ending call to intercede for all souls in need of God’s Mercy.

Last night I had the incredible honor of sharing my conversion story with the Knights of the Immaculata at St. Boniface Parish. To retell the story of my conversion to the Catholic faith is something I do with joy, because not only can God use that to strengthen others in their walk, but He also uses the opportunity to remind me of how faithful He has been to me over the years. How He has always kept me within His sights, and has never failed me.

I have told my conversion story many times in the six years that I have been Catholic, but for some reason, sharing my journey last night made me want to go back and reread my journals from that beginning of that specific part of the journey. So late into last night, I was up re-reading my journals from 1999, and my first visit to the Monastery of Heiligenkreuz in Austria. I was overcome with emotion and gratitude. To see the love with which God has shown me, how He drew me to Himself through His real presence in the Eucharist, and how Our Lady was guiding and mothering me every step of the is incredible. To see the moving of my heart and the stirrings that were just the beginning of my search for the fullness of Christ’s Truth was enlightening. To see my desire to be open to Christ’s Truth when it was revealed to me was encouraging, even when I had to struggle and humble myself to do so. To see my efforts to assimilate all that I was learning and experiencing I think can best be related to the experience of watching a can see light on the horizon and things start to be clearer the closer you get to that one moment when the fullness of the sun’s radiant light breaks forth into day. This is the same way that my journey to the Catholic Church began. I saw light on the horizon and caught glimpses of the truth of the Catholic Church at least five years before the sun burst forth into day and I was confirmed and received Jesus in the Eucharist for the first time. And yet God’s love it so patient and His mercy never-ending. I am so blessed. Looking back over the beginning of my journey to the Catholic Church has been inspiring and has encouraged me in my walk today. The journey is far from over.

By now, you’ve probably realized that I have a real appreciation for the musical genius of Matt Maher. His music, every single song, seems to accompany some part of my life journey. Today, I focus on a new song he released recently called “Alive Again.” It is, in fact, the title of his newest album. There’s a link on YouTube where Matt talks about the song, and his thoughts mirror my own and the conversion experiences I just mentioned. I thought you might enjoy listening to it, or you can read my summary below. The full video version of the song follows the lyrics.

May each of us, welcome Jesus into our lives to break through our deafness, shatter our darkness and wash away our blindness. May we each be open to that light on the horizon which leads us to the Son and may we truly be Alive Again in Christ. Amen.

God bless you!

(Summary of the Video)
The video takes place as Matt is driving through Tempe at 5:45am. Cup of coffee in hand, we are riding in his car with him as he takes us through town and then we join him on a climb up the mountain. He says this is his favorite time of day. Even when it’s dark, there is light on the horizon. According to Matt, the whole notion of waking in the dark, is something we can all grasp. “When we think of our life in Christ, it probably came out of a crisis moment when ever other answer failed and every idea we thought of didn’t pan out and so we started to ask deeper questions. “ For him, the sunrise is an allegory..waking up in the dark. You can see the light on the horizon but you don’t know where it’s coming from. In this, Matt sees the presence of God in world. You see the effects of Him everywhere but you don’t recognize the source yet.

This is the image that inspired the song. You can slowly see more and more light but you can’t see the sun yet. The second part of the song was inspired by St. Augustine of Hippo, who was probably one of the most universally agreed upon Christian writers. Augustine lived a very sinful life, but the mercy of God reached him, and later in his life he had a profound conversion experience and became a Bishop and now he’s a doctor of the Church. Augustine wrote a poem that says “Late have I loved you, beauty ever ancient and ever new.” As young man he went into the world in search of God but because he didn’t encounter God first in his own heart it was in the lovely places of the world that he basically got stolen away further and deeper away from God. For him this is a perfect analogy of Western culture as it stands right now. We dive deeper and deeper into world in search of God and beauty and truth and love but without God in our hearts the world ends up being the thing that steals us further away from God. In order to see the world for what it truly could be you need the eyes of Christ. Otherwise you don’t see the potential, you see just the brokenness...all you see is the reality of sin, and you don’t see the reality of grace. You can only see the reality of grace through the eyes of Jesus who lives inside of you.

When the sun breaks the horizon it’s like everything else around it loses perspective. And it’s kind of like why the early Church looked to the rising sun in the east as the strongest example of Christ because it really takes everything else over. And it’s just very compelling. There are not many objects in the natural world that could adequately describe what happens when God breaks into your life, but the rising sun is a pretty good one. That’s what it’s like for most of us when God breaks into our life, when His voice speaks. It’s the only thing on the horizon that you see and the only thing that can really reach into your heart. That is really what it was like for me when I knew that God loved me and was reaching into my life, it became the only thing that I could see. God is the only thing worth seeing.

Alive Again
(Matt Maher)

I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality
Losing its grip on me
Oh where, where have I gone? '
Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise

You called and You shouted
Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again

You shattered my darkness
Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again

Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You
What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do
Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You

Monday, November 2, 2009

Feast of All Souls - Risen from the Dead

Today is the day that the Catholic Church celebrates the Feast of All Souls. We remember those who have gone before us marked with the sign of faith and sleep in peace. "And for this, today the Church invites us to pray for our beloved dead and to spend time at their tombs in the cemeteries. Mary, star of hope, make stronger and more authentic our faith in eternal life and sustain our prayer of suffrage for our departed brothers." ~ Pope Benedict XVI

There was a beautiful reflection from that I came across today and thought was worth sharing:

Pope Benedict XVI on Celebrating 'All Souls Day'
'I am risen and now I am always with you' the Lord tells us, and my hand sustains you. (Pope Benedict XVI)

ROME (Catholic Online) - The feasts of "All Saints" and "All Souls" are celebrated as Holy Days. The offices which report the daily news from the Holy See are closed for this observance. We present the 2008 Homily of our beloved Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI and will present his homily for this year after these Holy Days are observed by the faithful throughout the world:
Pope Benedict XVI on 'All Souls Day'

"Dear brothers and sisters!

Yesterday, on All Saints' Day, we dwelt upon "the heavenly city, Jerusalem, our mother" (Preface of All Saints). And today, our souls turn again to these last things as we commemorate all the faithful departed, those "who have gone before us marked with the sign of faith and sleep in peace." It's very important for us Christians to live our relationship with the dead in the truth of faith, and to look at death and the afterlife in the light of Revelation.

Already the Apostle Paul, writing to the first communities, exhorted the faithful to "not be downhearted, like the others who have no hope." "If in fact" he wrote, "we believe that Jesus died and rose, so also God, by means of Jesus, will gather up with him all those who have died" (1 Thes 4:13-14).

It's necessary even today to spread the message of the reality of death and eternal life -- a reality particularly subject to superstitious and syncretic beliefs, for the Christian truth cannot risk itself to be mixed up with mythologies of various sorts.

In my encyclical on Christian hope, I myself investigated the mystery of eternal life. I asked: even for the men and women of today, the Christian faith is a hope that can transform and sustain their lives? Even more radically: the men and women of our time likewise desire eternal life?

Or maybe their earthly existence has become their only horizon? In reality, as St Augustine already observed, everyone wants the "blessed life," that happiness. We don't know what it is or what it's like, but we feel ourselves attracted toward it. This is a universal hope, shared by people of all times and places.

The expression "eternal life" gives a name to this insuppressible expectation: not a progression without end, but the immersion of oneself in the ocean of infinite love, where time, the beginning and end exist no more. A fullness of life and of joy: it's this for which we hope and await from our being with Christ.

Let us today renew our hope in eternal life, one really drawn in the death and resurrection of Christ. "I am risen and now I am always with you," the Lord tells us, and my hand sustains you. Wherever you might fall, you will fall in my hands and I will be present even at the gate of death. Where none can accompany you any longer and where you can bring nothing, there I await you to transform for you darkness into light.

Christian hope is never something merely individual, it's always a hope for others. Our lives are deeply linked, one to another, and the good and bad each one does always impacts the rest. So the prayer of a pilgrim soul in the world can help another soul that continues purifying itself after death.

And for this, today the church invites us to pray for our beloved dead and to spend time at their tombs in the cemeteries. Mary, star of hope, make stronger and more authentic our faith in eternal life and sustain our prayer of suffrage for our departed brothers".

A fullness of life and of joy; it's this for which we hope and await from our being with Christ! Our sufferings do not define us, nor are they the goal of our life. They are merely temporary moments on our progression towards love Himself. We commit those we have loved and lost to the infinite mercy of God the Father and trust in His love for us. To each one of us, no matter our circumstances or cross, Jesus says, "Wherever you might fall, you will fall in my hands and I will e present even at the gate of death. Where none can accompany you any longer and where you can bring nothing, there I await you to transform for you darkness into light!" May we always be with hope , desire eternal life, and with eyes fixed upon the cross, run to Him who showed great love!
I can think of no better way to celebrate the day than to end with a beautiful new song by Matt Maher. He says it all!

Christ is Risen
(By Matt Maher)

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame,
But fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You’ve bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but heaven’s will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead
He's alive! He's alive!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Feast of All Saints! A focus on Padre Pio

Happy Feast of All Saints!

What a beautiful celebration this is. As I was at mass this morning, I was overwhelmed thinking about all of the holy men and women who have gone before us and who are interceding for us even now from heaven. I couldn't help but think what it will be like when one day I am (Lord willing) with them, surrounded by a cloud of heavenly witnesses. Wow. It is awesome to consider.

We had a wonderful Halloween last night. Not too many trick-or-treaters, but we were blessed with great friends who came for dinner and stayed for Notre Dame football (boys in the basement) and a movie on Padre Pio (girls upstairs). Us girls decided that watching a movie about a saint really was a wonderful way to tie up the American celebration of Halloween and transition into the really celebration of All Saints!

I know that I have mentioned Padre Pio before on the blog (
July 28 and October 30), but he is one of the saints that I have only recently begun to get to know. The more I learn about him, the more in awe I am and the more I long to be his spiritual daughter. The movie we watched was called "Padre Pio, Miracle Man" and it was absolutely incredible. After three hours, I was still enthralled and was moved to tears by almost ever scene and I felt that I truly had been watching Padre Pio himself. If you're looking for an uplifting movie which affirms the faith, the value and reality of suffering, and the promises of Christ, this is it. You will not be disappointed. One note of caution though, it is an Italian film which has been dubbed over in English. The English voices are quite lacking though, so my suggestion (and what we did) is to choose the Italian audio and put on the English subtitles.

This man's ability to endure suffering with patience out of a love for God is beyond anything I have ever seen. He truly was a saint! His life still inspires, even from beyond the grave. And speaking of the grave, if you haven't seen the photos of Padre Pio (taken 40 years after his death), you are in for a huge surprise. He is incorrupt! I have attached a link to some photos I received recently from a friend. Are they incredible or what?

St. Padre Pio

I also thought that I would include an article I read recently on Padre Pio. I hope you find it interesting as well. May the prayers of Padre Pio bring us ever closer to Christ. Amen!

Pray, Hope and Don’t Worry

During World War II, many Allied pilots failed to complete their missions over the Italian town of San Giovanni Rotondo. It seemed a Franciscan friar flying through the sky was staying their hands, preventing them from dropping their bombs. One aviator after the other testified to this otherworldly phenomenon, corroborating one another's incredible tale of supernatural intervention in the midst of battle. The friar, of course, was Padre Pio of Pietrelcina -- now St. Pio, whose feast the Church celebrates on Sept. 23. And the story, of course, is private revelation; Catholics are free to believe or disbelieve its veracity according to their own prudential judgment. Either way, its widespread acceptance throughout the Church is itself testimony to the great love and respect many have for St. Pio. Along with bilocation (being able to be in two places at once, including the sky), the humble friar's extraordinary spiritual gifts, it is said, included the ability to read souls. In the confessional, where he often spent upwards of 15 hours a day, he often told people their sins -- accurately -- before they had a chance to tell them for themselves. And, most famously of all, for 50 years he bore the stigmata -- the nail wounds of Christ -- on his hands.

Although he spent nearly his entire 60 years of religious life at San Giovanni Rotondo, he became a household name around the world during his own lifetime. Before he died in 1968, and before John Paul II canonized him St. Pio of Pietrelcina in 2002, pilgrims came in droves to San Giovanni Rotondo. "People felt they could really experience Christ through him," says Frank Rega, author of
Padre Pio and America (Tan, 2009). St. Pio's example and spiritual guidance are beams of light for individuals and families striving to live out the Catholic faith in a sin-darkened world. Of the Mass, he said: "It is easier for the earth to exist without the sun than without the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass!" To many who came to him with every manner of trouble, he said simply: "Pray, hope and don't worry."

"Look at all the people from all over the world he gathered around him! Why?" said Pope Paul VI in 1971. "Because he said Mass humbly, heard confessions from dawn to dusk and was -- it is not easy to say it -- one who bore the wounds of Our Lord. He was a man of prayer and suffering." Despite his suffering, he was unfailingly compassionate and jovial. Rega (who is online at points out that Padre Pio was kind and loving toward children and always gave them special blessings. "Many couples not able to have children asked for his prayers," he adds. "He would tell them, 'You will have a son in a year' or 'May you have eight children.' He believed in large families."

Family Man
Eternal Word Television Network host and author Father Andrew Apostoli of the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal identifies one reason Padre Pio is a great saint and so important for families today: because his life reflects the character-forming influence of his own close-knit family. "We can see in his life how the nurturing of faith plus the human qualities, the love and concern for one another, became very evident," says Father Apostoli. For instance, his mother taught each of her children to have a special devotion to their baptismal patron saint. Pio's was St. Francis. Father Apostoli also finds in Padre Pio "a certain charm" to which many can be drawn, from grandparents to young children. The saint gave and continues to give spiritual and even physical assistance to families, including many healings, he adds. "He had that concern, knowing the family is 'the first school and the first church,'" says Father Apostoli, "because that's where the children learn to pray, learn about God, and learn the things they need for the rest of their life, by words and example." The saint's intercession and help can come at any time. Sometimes it comes at unlikely times and in unforeseeable ways.

"Padre Pio is the reason we are in the Catholic Church," says Californian Diane Allen. She converted to the Catholic faith in 1995; her husband, Ron, followed two years later. Raised as Protestants, then members of what she calls a "self-realization fellowship," Diane had heard a brief mention of Padre Pio. Until then, she'd had no contact with Catholics, but she couldn't get that story out of her mind. "I thought about it hundreds and hundreds of times over the next 20 years," she says.

Upon waking one morning, she decided to find out who Padre Pio was. Once she read his biography, she quit her fellowship and began walking the road to becoming a Catholic. First, though, she spent two years studying about the Church, listening to tapes 40 hours per week. Discouraged by a significant roadblock hindering her progress, she found none other than Padre Pio dispelling her doubts and leading her on into Holy Mother Church.

Today, along with Ron -- a deacon who heads the religious-education program at their parish, Our Lady of Grace in El Cajon, Calif. -- she leads the booming Padre Pio Prayer Group at Our Lady of the Rosary Church in San Diego.

"Padre Pio gave five steps for spiritual growth," Diane says. "One is daily Communion; another is daily Rosary." She and Ron are faithful to these, joining others for daily Mass followed by the Rosary.

"This is what makes us tick," she says. "We're a Padre Pio family." Indeed, her daughter converted to the Catholic faith after college. So did her son-in-law -- and her mother, at age 84. Today, Diane writes extensively on Padre Pio and edits the monthly online newsletter
Pray, Hope and Don't Worry (online at, which has received well over one million hits.

Let God Be God
In everything, St. Pio constantly counseled people, by word and example, to "pray, hope and don't worry." Could there be a more fitting message for our time of stress and uncertainty -- or a more effective means to spiritual growth? Father Apostoli thinks not.

"Once you make known your needs, fears, hopes, concerns, doubts and struggles to God in prayer, and have asked for his help," explains the Franciscan priest, "you have to now trust the Lord to listen because of his great compassion."

Padre Pio asked his spiritual charges to show the sincerity of their trust by working hard at not worrying. As Father Apostoli explains, "It's a big order. We tend to push the panic button, to look at the things that can go wrong. We worry like mad."

And worry may signal that we're trying to take control of matters that belong to God. "If I really believe God does love me and will truly take care of me, I should not worry," concludes Father Apostoli.

As St. Pio himself put it: "The Lord is a father, the most tender and best of fathers. He cannot fail to be moved when his children appeal to him."

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT Joseph Pronechen. "'Pray, Hope and Don't Worry': St. Padre Pio's Prescription for Eternal Health." National Catholic Register (September 20-26, 2009).

Friday, October 30, 2009

New found hope?

For me the greatest possible danger along the way of the cross of infertility is not the bitterness or strain in the marriage (both very real dangers) which often happen or anything else, but rather the loss of hope. It is so important to maintain always have hope. But how do we do this? So many times this journey seems hope-less. It seems like "our turn", "our time", "our baby" will never come. Maybe the treatments don't work as fast as we wish they would. We don't see the progress we want. We don't feel any different or think anything is happening. Bottom line, there is no pregnancy. We begin to lose hope.

To stay steadfast in hope is a constant battle. I am so blessed to have a husband who is there to encourage me when I feel like giving up, and I pray I am able to give him the support he needs when he's feeling down. But as anyone who's been on this journey can tell you, it's just downright hard. And in a special way, us women have a unique challenge as our hormones, timed to kick in right around the time we find out yet again that we aren't pregnant, do NOTHING to help us cling to hope. Rather the drop in progesterone gives further temptation to despair. At times it feels like everything is against you. Can't a girl get a break? Hanging on to hope can be so hard. It's a physical and spiritual battle against so much...sometimes even yourself.

As of yesterday, we are 3 months post-surgery and yet we are not where I had hoped we would be. I know, I know...have patience. But I just kept hoping that once my body recovered we'd be pregnant right away. Maybe my body isn't fully recovered. Maybe things ARE happening and it's just going to take more time. I know this and I'm frustrated with myself for not having more patience. (sigh)

I called a friend today who also had the wedge-resection done. In fact Dr. Hilgers has done the wedge-resection on her and all of her (4?) sisters several years ago. Even though we don't talk often, she has been an incredible support to me both as I prepared for surgery and as I have recovered and moved beyond it. In our discussion today she reminded me, as she often does, that it was two years (to the day!) from her surgery that she gave birth to their first child. It takes time. In their case, it was 15 months from surgery to conception. If we were to follow a similar path (mind you I am fully aware that each person's story is different), that means that we could spend another entire year waiting for conception. could happen. And that's the reality of the journey of infertility. It could happen any given cycle. And so your hopes get up...and then when you find out this was not "the month", your hopes crash. And then as the next cycle progresses, you remind yourself, "but it could happen any given cycle." And so your hopes get up...and then?....time will tell.

I confessed to my friend that I was surprised at how hard of a time I've been having lately and her reassuring response was soothing to my soul. She said she too struggled more after the surgery because her feeling post surgery had been "this was supposed to fix it. This was supposed to be the solution. We were supposed to get pregnant now." She put into words what I have been feeling and yet unable to express. Somehow just hearing her say express what my heart was been feeling, validated the experience and has helped me move on. I know that the surgery wasn't a magic spell, or an instant fix, and that it may take years for my body to heal and regain full health...but I never claimed to possess the virtue of patience (right honey?).

It's just so hard to feel directionless. To feel that the cyclical highs and lows will never end and to not have a focus or direction for the future. That's where we were when we met Dr. Parker last December (2008). I was at the point of despair because I just felt so ungrounded and without direction. I just wanted someone to point me in the direction we should go and confidently say, "okay, Suzy and Dave, here's what we're going to do." Dr. Parker did just that. I remember returning from Ohio after our meeting, practically giddy. What he had outlined would be a massive change in medications, diet, and lifestyle, but I was ready and willing. I had D-I-R-E-C-T-I-O-N. And since then he has been wonderful about leading us step by step through this journey. He has been our primary Simon of Cyrene, helping us to carry this cross! We thank God for him.

Through the Winter, we worked through the plan Dr. Parker laid out for us and in the Spring, when we had not achieved a conception, we prepared for surgery. Still, this was part of the plan and preparing for surgery was the direction. Then came the surgery and the recovery was the direction. Now that it's been three months...what's the direction? Where do we go from here? I think this is part of what has been bothering me so much lately. I have once again felt directionless. Like "okay, we've done the surgery, it hasn't worked yet, now what?"

Enter: Dr. Parker.

(This next two paragraphs might be a little confusing for you non-Creighton Model NFP folks, but I'll include it anyway for those that care or might be interested.)

I contacted Dr. Parker yesterday and emailed him my Creighton charts because I had begun to bleed (Day 28) and yet we hadn't seen anything we'd consider peak-type during this cycle. What was going on? Was it an estrogen excess bleed or a progesterone withdrawal bleed? Why hadn't we seen peak-type? And yet, I was encouraged in some ways because this bleed came on its own without having to be induced and had all the characteristics of having decent levels of progesterone (it's amazing what you learn about color through Creighton!) That seemed good. Add to this that for the first time EVER in my four years of charting Creighton, we had NINE consecutive days of green stamps (Days 8-16). Normally I am the utter Queen of Yellow Stamps. But surgery has definitely changed my mucous patterns and I am thrilled to see even this improvement and new clarity in charting.

Today Dr. Parker called me back and we had a 20 minute conversation that lifted my spirits more than I can express. Why? Because once again, he gave us direction....and this in turn gives me hope. It's an entirely new plan of attack. Out with the Clomid. In with the Femera. Out with the Dexamethosone. In with the Mucinex (yes, you read correctly, regular over the counter Mucinex), high dose Vitamin B6 sustained release, a round of antibiotics and subcutaneous injections of HCG (on Peak +3, +5, +7 and +9.) It's an entirely new plan of attack...but it's direction! To top it all off, after looking at my charts, Dr. Parker thinks that the bleed is Progesterone withdrawal and not Estrogen excess, so that is good news as well! And all of this without using supplementary Progesterone support this cycle. So maybe things are improving and my body is regaining hormonal balance? Maybe good things are happening and I just haven't seen them all and they haven't been brought to completion yet.

I called Dave and shared Dr. Parker's instructions. Dave was practically giddy and moved to tears. I asked him why and his response was, "because it seems like there's hope again." It really is amazing what comfort it brings to couples going through infertility when someone "gets it" and can look at a situation that is seemingly out of control, can assess it, make sense of it (or at least seem to) and then confidently say, "here's where we're going." In just 20 minutes today, Dr. Parker was able to do just that. Praise God for NaPro Technology! Dave and I will be forever grateful to Dr. Parker and all of the wonderful NaPro doctors we've worked with who have done just that for us. They help to give us hope. They remind us to Hang On...Possibilities Exist.

God Himself only knows where this new direction will take us, but I am again filled with hope and am confident that His grace will sustain us...that He will strengthen us with power through His Spirit according to the riches of His glory! That He will continue to dwell in our hearts, when they're overflowing with joy and when they're breaking with sorrow. That in both the mountains of joy and the valley of tears He will use those moments to reveal to us how immense His love is for us; it's infinite breadth and length, height and depth. That He will fill us with Himself even while we are waiting, teaching our hearts to rest in Him and to be content with the present moment. This new direction may bring about the baby of our dreams and it may not. But possibilities DO exist and even if this new direction doesn't bring about the desired conception, our God's power extends beyond medicine and in His love and goodness He could bring us our son or daughter in a manner only He knows or could bring about. God will always and forever be able to accomplish more than we could ever ask for or imagine. His love is truly extravagant.

Peace be with each of you.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine, by the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:14-21

Speaking with the heart

Pray, hope, and don’t worry! Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer. Prayer is the best weapon we have; it is the key to God’s heart. You must speak to Jesus not only with your lips but with your heart. In fact, on certain occasions, you should speak to Him only with your heart.

~ St. Padre Pio

Thursday, October 29, 2009

One act of trust

Once when I was being crushed by these dreadful sufferings, I went into the chapel and said from the bottom of my soul, "Do what you will with me, O Jesus, I will adore You in everything. May Your will be done in me, O my Lord and my God, and I will praise Your infinite mercy." Through this act of submission, these terrible torments left me. Suddenly I saw Jesus, who said to me, I am always in your heart. An inconceivable joy entered my soul, and a great love of God set my heart aflame. I see that God never tries us beyond what we are able to suffer. Oh, I fear nothing; if God sends such great suffering to a soul. He upholds it with an even greater grace, although we are not aware of it. One act of trust at such moments gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer filled with consolations.

~ Diary of St. Faustina

Do what you will with me, O Jesus, I will adore You in everything. May Your will be done in me, O my Lord and my God, and I will praise Your infinite mercy. Amen.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Treadmills, Diaries & Veggie Boxes

I realized today that it's been two weeks since I posted anything. I think in part this has been because I've been having a rougher time lately. Perhaps it's the point in my cycle, perhaps it's other stressers in life, perhaps it's because Perma-Cloud (you know, the clouds that perpetually cover the skies of South Bend from October through April?) is starting to set in and the weather is colder and wetter, perhaps it's seeing so many of our newly married friends blessed immediately with a baby (we are thrilled for all of them by the way!, it's just hard for us to swallow as I am sure you can understand) perhaps it's the holidays approaching and wishing so much that we had a little person to share it with. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, the weight of the cross has been extra heavy the last few weeks. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, and there are, of course, still wonderful things happening in our life, but I can't deny that it has been a rougher stretch and I have found myself at a loss for what to post that would not sound too depressing or without hope. Sometimes when you're in a funk, you just need to step back from everyday life and deal with it. So that's what I've been doing.

There is much good news in our life though. First and foremost on my mind and something that has made a huge difference in how I feel....I have begun running again. My first run post-surgery went better than I had expected honestly, and I was thrilled. I've hit a few speed bumps along the way, but am up to about a mile and half a day right now and am increasing steadily. I am back in Pilates weekly now as well and am able to do almost all aspects of the class with just a few modifications while those ab/core muscles are still knitting themselves together. Praise the Lord!

My prayer life has regained it's balance...starting each day off with morning mass is a huge centering force on my day and I have been much better about praying a daily rosary. Sometimes I am able to devote 20 minutes of quiet time for my rosary, other times its prayed while washing dishes, driving across town or even while proctoring an exam while subbing for the local high school. But praying the rosary has been richly rewarding and I ask myself again and again why I ever resist this devotion. It's amazing how the events of life appear so differently when you contemplate them against the background of the mysteries Christ's life.

I am also knee deep in the Diary of St. Faustina right now. I have started the diary several times, but have never finished and this time am determined to do so. Wow do I love the mystics! Their relationship with the Lord is so powerful, so intense, so beautiful. I wouldn't be surprised if you all hear a lot about St. Faustina and the Diary in the coming months, because I keep finding passage after passage after passage that really strikes me and that I find life-changing.

And finally, as silly as this might sound, one of the big joys of our life right now is our Organic Veggie boxes. About a month ago we began ordering Veggie Boxes from a local Organic organization. We have wanted to do something like this for years, since seeing at Dave's sister's in Davis, CA, but have never lived in an area where they had something like it. In South Bend, the way it works is that you get a list on Monday of your options --Veggie Box, Fruit Box, Combo Box, or Just-for-Two Box (combo box for 2) -- and you have until Friday to place your order that you'll pick up on the following week. What we love about this is the wonderful variety of produce that we are getting. It's pushing us out of the same ol' rut of carrots and broccoli and making us venture into the world of Kale, Red Swiss Chard, and Ginger...tons and tons of Ginger (in fact I think I have 3 pieces the size of my hand in the fridge right now). We have had so much fun opening our box each week and getting creative with what we're cooking. Each week is it's own Top Chef-like challenge as we race to use the produce before it goes bad (or the next box arrives) and has become our new favorite website as we hunt down recipes that will help us win the game. :) It really has been a blast! We are expanding our veggie horizons, exploring new recipes, and best of all we are eating organic for cheaper than what we would pay for non-organic at the grocery store!

So that's pretty much it as far as an update. We're keeping on keeping on and thankful for the many blessings in our life! We pray that you are all well and thank you for your continued prayers! (In case you're a foodie like us, I've listed the Veggie Box options below for your amusement! :) And if you're in the South Bend area and are interested in knowing more, just email me.)


2.5 Lbs Bananas
Apple Cider 1/2 Gallon
1 Lb Limes
1 Pomegranate
1 Lb Kiwi Fruit
3 Asian Pears
1 Pineapple
3 Lbs Red Pears
1 Mango
3 Lbs Gala Apples
2 Grapefruit
2 Fuyu Persimmons
1.5 Lbs Red Grapes
1 Broccoli
1 Cucumber
1 Red Bell Pepper
2 Zucchini
2 Avocados
1 Celery Heart
1 Pkg Romaine Hearts
1 Pkg Baby Spinach
1 Pkg Cherry Tomatoes
1 Lb Baby Carrots
1 Piece Ginger Root
1 Green Kale
2 Lbs Yukon Potoates
2 Red Onion

2.5 Lbs Bananas
1 Pomegranate
2 Grapefruit
3 Lbs Green Pears
1 Green Kale
2 Zucchini Squash
1 Pkg Baby Spinach
1 Pkg Romaine Hearts
1 Red Bell Pepper
1 Pkg Cherry Tomatoes
1 Broccoli Head
2 Lbs Yukon Potatoes
1 Piece Ginger Root
2 Red Onions
JUST-FOR-2 BOX ($28)
2.5 Lbs Bananas
2 Valencia Oranges
1 Pomegranate
2 Grapefruit
3 Lbs Green Pears
1 Red Onion
1 Cucumber
2 Lbs Yukon Potatoes
1 Red Bell Pepper
1 Pkg Cherry Tomatoes
1 Pkg Romaine Hearts
1 Avocado
1 Piece Ginger Root

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Only in God...

Somedays are just rougher than others. Today I find myself in a whirl of conflicting emotions. On one hand, joyous over the blessings and wonders God is performing in my life and in the lives of those I know and love...and on the other hand, feeling the weight of this cross in a very intense way. In the midst of my tears, the Pslam from today's mass seems every so much more the cry of my heart. May it be yours as well. God bless you.

Responsorial PsalmPs 62:2-3, 6-7, 9

Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.

Only in God is my soul at rest;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,my stronghold;
I shall not be disturbed at all.

Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.

Only in God be at rest, my soul,
for from him comes my hope.
He only is my rock and my salvation,my stronghold;
I shall not be disturbed.

Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.

Trust in him at all times, O my people!
Pour out your hearts before him;
God is our refuge!

Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.

To hear a beautiful rendition of this Pslam, which brings peace and comfort to my soul each time I hear it, listen to singer/songwriter John Michael Talbot...

or listen to the beautiful rendition I found online.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

On Earth as it is in Heaven

Friday night found me in an airplane from South Bend to Cleveland and then Cleveland to NYC (LaGuardia). I was on my way to visit a friend in Connecticut to hang out and help her move. The flights were some of the bumpiest of my life due to the horrible weather that's plagued the Midwest for the last several days, and considering the dense clouds out the window, I had pretty much given up hope of being able to star-gaze like I love to do on night flights.

For some reason, however, I found myself staring out the window into the dark abyss...and my eyes caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a star, trying to shine through the thick clouds. I looked away and looked back, thinking that perhaps my eyes were playing tricks on me, but when I looked for the light again, it was even brighter than before. Then in the blink of an eye, we emerged from the clouds and the entire night sky, vibrant with an incredible number of stars, was laid out for me to enjoy. It was stunning. Off in the distance, was a very thin line of light which I assumed was the last remnants of the setting sun. Now thinking about it further, I'm not sure what it was. It would have been either the beginning of the rising sun, or perhaps I was already getting a glimpse of NYC in the distance. Either way, it produced a very thin but noticeable band of of light at the horizon, and then above me were thousands of stars in the sky. It was so beautiful. I pressed my face to the window and pulled my rain jacket over my head to create a "dark room" of sorts so that I could admire the constellations ever more. I was moved to tears, it was just so beautiful.

Sometimes, I am overcome by an incredible yearning to be in heaven. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I want to end my time on earth, but rather I just get a glimpse of how incredible heaven is and my soul just longs to be there. This was exactly one of those moments. I was listening to the new Matt Maher CD (Alive Again) and the song Letting Go provided the perfect soundtrack to the experience. The lyrics are below, but you can go to and select "Click to Listen" and go to Song 9 to hear the song.

Letting Go
(Matt Maher)

I stand in awe of you, and everything you've done for me. you speak your words into my life, and where you are is where I want to be. I stand before you, Lord. Humbled by the love you give away. A widow's mite, my will and pride. It's all I have to offer anyway. I'm holding onto your love. I'm letting go of myself. I'll say so long to everything else. I just want to be in your arms. I just want to be in your arms. Moving ever closer to your heart. To your heart.

So there I was, tears streaming down my face. Tears of joy and wonder and of love for my God. And then as soon as the clouds had parted, they were back again and the turbulence started. This happened again and again in the plane that night. Each time we went back into the clouds, I would fix my eyes on the brightest star in the sky and keep my eyes focused there, waiting for it to return. And sooner or later, I would start to see that star's light through the thick clouds. It would pulse brighter and then dimmer as the clouds varied but I kept my eyes focused there, just waiting. Eventually, I was rewarded as the light of the star gained rapidly in intensity, the clouds broke and I was able to again behold a beautiful view of the heavens which brought the tears anew.

The entire experience seemed to me to be a metaphor for life. We go through our storms, we have our rocky moments and times where we wonder if we'll make it and then, at a time we could never have predicted, the storm ceases, the clouds part and again, we are sailing smooth. We must only fix our eyes above on the brightest star in the sky...the Morning Star...Christ Jesus. In the midst of the clouds of life, we must fix our eyes on him the author and perfecter of our faith.

Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God. Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners, in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart.

The entire experience is one that I will never forget. I felt so close to if my soul wanted to leap out of the plane and into His arms. As the song was saying, "I'm holding onto your love. I'm letting go of myself. I'll say so long to everything else. I just want to be in your arms. I just want to be in your arms. Moving ever closer to your heart. To your heart."

And then as if to top it off, we had the most incredible views of NYC on the approach to LaGuardia. It was truly breathtaking. We flew up over the West side of Manhattan following the Hudson River. I could see everything. The Empire State Building, Times Square, Central name it. It was stunning. I didn't have my camera with me to capture these shots, but the images will always remain in my mind, and I was able to find a few (that don't do it justice at all) on the Internet.

We even flew right over Yankee Stadium during the playoff game shortly before Mark Teixeira completed the dramatic 4-3 Yankees walk-off, come-from-behind victory in the 11th inning. Go Yankees! Wow! The entire thing was just stunning...

The whole experience was incredible and breathtaking. But in the end...even with all the glamour and glory of NYC at night, I will still always prefer the beautiful canvas of the heavens that God laid out for me. The simplistic beauty of God's night sky trumps even all that man has created (even though is was incredible). Keeping both in mind, I do have a bit of glimpse of one more meaning of "on earth as it is in heaven."