It's been awhile

It's incredible to me to think that it's been 2 weeks since I've blogged. When I first started this, Dave encourage me not to let this become an obligation. It hasn't, but yet there is so much that I have wanted to write about and haven't been able to. It's incredible what happens when you start feeling better, get busy and things have to get pushed out of the schedule. Having said that, don't be surprised if there are several posts in the next few days (dated between August 23rd and today)....I'm going to try to play "catch up" with my thoughts.

I am now 6 weeks post-surgery. According to the information that we received about the procedure, it is at about this time that I should be feeling pretty much back to normal...and for the most part I am. I have been back to Pilates classes and while I've lot a TON of ab and core strength, I am at least able to do most things okay. (However working the lower abs really ticked off the ovaries yesterday, I have to tell ya!).

I think the hardest part for me is the emotional recovery at this point. Prior to the surgery, it was easy a bit easier to distance myself from the journey through infertility because I was so focused on the surgery itself. Why consume myself worrying or wishing for pregnancy when I knew I was going to have surgery? But now...six weeks post-surgery...I find myself slipping back into the "what if?"..."when?"...mentality. With the surgery and recovery pretty much behind me, the same questions start to arise and I see the same roller coaster of hope and disappointment before us. I honestly don't even want to get on that ride again. What I wish is that somehow I could learn to just be content with each day as it comes...to find a happy medium where I am full of hope (like we as Christians are called to be), but not that my hopes are "up." I honestly don't know that it's possible to strike that balance. But in a perfect world, I could be thankful for the blessings, I would embrace the crosses that were in my life, but I would just be able to go about my life, unscathed and in peace...just like a little baby weaned at the mother's breast....not worrying about things to great for me (Psalm 131)....or like a little boat, anchored safely in the harbor, riding out the waves of the stormy seas.

The hormonal changes of this recovery have been noticeable as well. My Creighton charts look far different than before (which we were told would happen) and for the first time in 4 years the "Queen of the Yellow Stamp" had a completely "green stamp" post-peak. Incredible that that much could change so quickly. But the emotions have changed just as quickly. As my parts begin to heal to communicate with each other and the brain, etc...my hormones are working to balance themselves and Dave and I can both tell that this has not yet happened. Add in the fertility drugs that we are now on again (Clomid) and it's pretty much one big emotional roller coaster.

In my interactions with so many women who are going through infertility, I hear the same thing over and over...many many people highly underestimate the emotional and psychological stresses that are caused by the treatments. Is that to say that I wouldn't recommend the treatment? In no way. That would be like telling a cancer patient to avoid Chemotherapy because they might feel ill. It stinks...but I have to hang on a believe it's worth it in the end. When I stand fully healed with my baby in my arms, it will be worth it. In the meantime...it's yet another weight of the cross on this journey and one that both Dave and I (and other couples) learn to carry and support. And for those of you going through this same journey, please know that we are praying for you too and you're not alone...and you're not crazy! :)

Tomorrow I'll attend the Fort-Wayne/South Bend Diocesean Bioethics conference! I'm psyched about what type of connections I can make in thie Diocese specifically regarding Catholic infertility ministry. For those of you in the Cincinnati area here's something worth attending this weekend.

Great to be "back"....God bless you all!

Cincinnati Infertility Conference
Saturday, September 12, 2009

9 am to 1 pm

Guardian Angels Parish

6531 Beechmont Ave
Cincinnati, OH 45230

Featured Speakers will include:

Dr. Jason Mattingly and Dr. Kevin Sellers

Trained at the Pope Paul VI Institute

Fr. Earl Fernandes

Dean of Mount St. Mary's Seminary

and
Assistant Professor of Moral Theology Sylvia M. Corson

Certified Creighton Teacher

We will also have couples to speak to who have adopted domestically and internationally

For more information contact Lottie and Tate
or to help advertise you can print and distribute our handout